Sometimes I get worked up over little things. Things that will usually work themselves out in the future and shouldn’t be an issue in the present moment, but these things take hold of me, a strong & steady grip that I can’t shake, paralyzing me with worry, fear, and anxiety. These things cause irrational reasoning so that no one else can give me their opinion if it differs from mine because I won’t be able to rationalize with them. Right now, this thing is breastfeeding. I’m not anywhere near ready to wean Holden from breastfeeding. And knowing how fast this past six months has flown by, I’m not sure I’ll be quite ready in another short six months.
We only just started Holden on solids, but I can’t get the thought out of my mind that by starting solids, it is the beginning to the end of breastfeeding. Just thinking about no more breastfeeding causes tears to gently fall down my cheeks and my stomach to tie up in in knots of apprehension. I feel like a child that just wants to say “no!” and then get her way. It makes me want to have a temper tantrum, to throw myself on the floor, kicking my legs, flailing my arms, and screaming at the top of my lungs “I won’t do it.” Why does the end of breastfeeding cause such an adverse reaction deep in my gut? Although I always planned to nurse, I never anticipating feeling such emotional fulfillment and attachment through breastfeeding.
From the start, Holden knew what to do. I was a little unsure, but Holden taught and I listened. We were in sync immediately. There was something about watching him latch on with utter dependence knowing that I was the only one able fulfill his needs that resonated deep within me. After nourishing him for 39 weeks as he grew inside my womb, my body was continuing to give him the gift of life, continuing to nourish him as he grew outside the womb and the entire process had me captivated in amazement. He needed me and I was able to fulfill that need. It is as if my entire being was made for this (which I guess it is).
Although we spend a lot of time together and share a lot of special moments, breastfeeding is a sacred time for us. Breastfeeding has become our quiet place together. No matter where we are in the world, regardless of who or how many people are around us, despite how we may be feeling beforehand, when we stop to breastfeed, the world slows down for a moment becoming a blur of movement surrounding us as a peace resides over us. We reconnect with each other and disconnect from the surrounding world. I never watch TV, I never check or talk on my phone, and I never get on the computer when breastfeeding because from the very start I’ve always wanted this time to be sacred between us. I always wanted Holden to get 100% of me during these time because from the very start, I knew that this time would go by way too fast.
Tonight as I rocked Holden to sleep, I watched him latch on, pulling him against me as his eyes rolled back immediately, completely soothed, comforted and at home. I rested my lips on the top of his head looking down at the baby curled up against my stomach seemingly reassuming the position he was in inside the womb and it almost felt like he had never left, that we were one body again. I think that’s what I love most of all.